Rattled Glass

Yesterday I had the need to travel to that small, ole town I moved from. It was a two-fold purpose. I went to review the generation pictures at my friend's studio and since I was in the area, I decided to attend a quick wine tasting event with a friend of mine. The proofing at my friend's studio went well. The wine tasting segment was short, somewhat boring, but nice to see a few old friends and get some hugs. After the wine tasting, I trudged through the grocery store with my friend, then met her at a local bar for a few drinks and a meal. She is a person who, like many, has been friends of mine and the X's for years. She is one whom I have always had truthful, cut to the chase-type conversations with, whether they were happy or sad. The conversation was of normal tidbits of information in order to "catch up", but then, twisted into a somewhat disturbing engagement, while being enlightening at the same time. I imagine the difficulty of following this until I explain, of which I need to do delicately. (sigh here.)

After normal chit chat, of course, the topic of the x came up, and I am unclear of how. She bluntly reminded me that she was friends with the x first, had been involved in clubs with him, and reminded me, he was always professional in his work and never spoke badly of me. She said it bothers her when I do speak unkindly of him, no matter what, and that even though I was hurt, most people don't care because of their business relationship with him. Personal feelings are separated from business relationships and that is how people generally are. A few tears fell from my eyes. She said she could tell I was not "over him" and she said I need to move on, as he has. I told her that at most times, I am fine, but on occasions like this, something wells up in me. She also said if I speak badly or publicly denounce him, I am the one who will look like a bitch.  Nobody cares about his indiscretions. She hit the nail on the head by saying, "you want people to hate him for what he did to you and that's just not going to happen." Ouch! People cheat on their spouses all the time, and since I had moved out at the time of the separation, he was free to do as he chose. She did not think there was anything wrong with his starting a new relationship in order to move on. She also felt he had no obligation to tell me anything during the separation. I commented I felt so "replaced". She said to "quit looking at it like that. He moved on, he didn't replace you. Claire, it is very unattractive to lack confidence and until you get over him, you will not be confident. Just using the word "replaced" shows lack of self confidence." She was even sharing with me of someone having an affair, and she felt it was fine since the marriage was basically void of emotional or physical contact. Ouch again! Really? Really? Really?

We then had a quiet debate regarding that topic, and the moral standings of such a situation in marriages. I was genuinely appalled at her nonchalant attitude. I was shocked to hear of her dismissal of such disloyalty. Really? Really? Really? I interjected often, they should just get a divorce and have their flings appropriately.
(I had an internal dawning here. That is probably what the x did. Maybe he was ready to be done in order to move on. Maybe he wasn't as bad as I felt he was. At least according to many.)

She & I were raised Catholics, though neither of us practices our religion. We laughed at the "Catholic guilt" scenario surrounding people, and she jokingly said that a lot of those roots didn't sit with her. I admitted I am tightly wound in this department as I am a loyal person, and she gently said I need to loosen up and not be so judgemental. (sigh here.) She is right. Who am I to judge others indiscretions, especially when they do not involve me directly? I am not of  imperfection. I admitted this in my last post..."blessed with imperfection."

After a short visit at her home to say hi to her hubby, I drove that hour drive home. I cried and cried. I was in complete dismay for her lack of regard for affairs in a marriage and to realize, people didn't care about my hurt. I assume they feel I should be over it. I felt so immature and naive about life, on so many levels. I felt angry that the x may not even had felt bad about our divorce. I wanted him to be sad about it. Who knows, maybe he was, temporarily.

I actually called my friend and left what must have been a sad, weird message on his cell phone. He called me back upon my arrival home and told me I wasn't pathetic or immature. He kindly said I have high standards and I should keep them. Maybe she is the one who should be ashamed for condoning such actions in a marriage. He said maybe she isn't a good friend like I thought...though I know she is. She was just being honest. The truth hurts sometimes.

This morning I emailed my friend and thanked her for joining me at the bar and wrote I was glad to hear about shit that stinks or doesn't stink. I told her I had thought long and hard about our conversations and I do not want her to ever feel uncomfortable hanging out with me.

Although I felt rattled after conversing with my friend, reality glazed my thoughts this morning. (frown here). People do only want what is best for their friends, no matter if it is together or separate.