Looking Glass

  Again, time has slithered away and I have not been on my blogging site. I have thought of it often, have even missed it, but it seems the evenings after work leave me with depleted energy and the need to take naps, upon my arrival home. My emotional state has been quite good lately, other than a rare peak at a link of the ex when someone posts to Twitter. (Of course, his falseness jerks my chains every time. I can't help but peek, sometimes.) What is more shameful... sending him one liner emails contradicting his written statements and such. One sentence in the subject line like; "Disloyalty 101 should be a chapter in your next book."  "You couldn't even say hi to my mom when she came to visit your dieing dad."  "You will always have loose morals and be a bit dishonest". "Your article in the Sun Newspaper is so phony". One of his paragraphs written from the interviewer stated  him saying, he started his tour but ended up, unexpectedly f...

He's back! The x is in the area. He landed at the Portland airport a couple of nights ago, closer to "her" than Seattle. Guess he left his truck and camper in AZ to fly back to our little area for the holidays. Crap! In viewing his calendar, he only has one booking in Eastern WA in mid January. Nothing else booked at this time other than his webinars which he presents while sitting on his butt in his camper. So lord knows how long he'll be around. I am concerned we may cross paths at some point as my friend (and his) invited me to a "Box Lunch" the day after Christmas. It is a party where everyone attending brings their Christmas dinner leftovers, and a buffet of the odds and ends is laid out. Of course, it is BYOB and it looks like fun. My friend has hosted these before, but the x never wanted to attend, so we didn't. He will likely take every opportunity to brag about his travels of OR, CA, and AZ. He still claims on his bios, that he is an internati...

At the end of my last post, I noted I may post a "Second Look", referring to the x and the new woman on his arm and the way it appears to have come about in a disrespectful amount of time since our separation. I have decided against that. A few of my friends have stated that the karmas of the universe will get him. I recently had to meet new clients, in my little town, of which I moved from in April. After my work day was done, I met with a couple of friends for a visit and was secretly happy to hear, many people in that little community, felt the x had dropped many a ball as CEO of the little chamber of commerce. They felt, also, that he became too self focused and arrogant. They reminded me, "everybody respects you and loves you." (smile here). So, I have decided, rather than to continue to bore my blogger friends with further postings of my divorce and "his" so called new career, even though he's still camped out in the southern part of the state, ...

As I sat on my balcony this evening, feeling the cool air slowly seep under my fingernails and chill the hands, I had a sigh escape my stomach, much like the wind escaping the trees. I was feeling my energy withering like the golden, colored leaves that were dangling from the twisted, pointy limbs of the old trees. I had a settling within. A realization that change has occurred with the new season. This acceptance is as real as the cooled air around me. It is as real as knowing winter will be advancing in it's sneaky, quiet way. I can only change clothing to warm me. Glance Back: My friend that is moving out of state decided she wanted to go to a local festival last Saturday, as she was hitting the road on Monday. We planned to go to the festival and then meet two other girlfriends for a dinner gathering at my dear friend's house. My traveling friend and I were having a perfectly nice time walking the booths, participating in a few wine tasting samples and then, ended our f...

I have noticed of late that the x is starting to post about his travels. I have to quit looking at his sites as it still brings a heat in the pit of my stomach. I need to be looking towards new goals for myself and quit wondering if he ever feels bad about our dissolved marriage. It no longer matters. I will never know if he accepts blame for his wrongdoings or shortcomings in the marriage as I have tried to accept blame for mine. I wouldn't be surprised if he has failed to do that, being the self absorbed person he is. But, life is life and this is where my life is right now. I cannot spend time wondering about him. I do wish him well, maybe with a flat tire now and again or a broken water heater in his RV somewhere when it's cold. That's not evil is it? I do not want harm to come to him, just challenges that make him second guess himself on occasion. Maybe a reflection that says his wife was a loyal, hard working person, and despite her angry times, was actually a loving ...

Within an earlier post, I told you I had received suggestions from some of my dearest, held to my heart friends, on how to react to this public notification of my soon to be, ex husband's announcement of his new career path. One said, with her finger pointing at me, (smile here), "don't you do a thing." Another said, "wait and see what happens." My son said, "Mom, you have always told me to take the high road. Take the high road and call him, or invite him for coffee or something, and be genuine and wish him well." He than shared with me, after some relationships had gone south and ended badly for him, a year later, he called the gals and left them a message (as they did not pick up their phones), with genuine well wishes and an apology for things ending badly. He stated, "It made me feel better", though that was not his first intent. He reminded me, this may not be the time, but someday, I should do it for myself, not the soon to be, ex ...

As of yesterday, my soon to be, ex husband, announced on national internet sites, his resignation from his executive position in order to travel the states. This is to embrace his newest career of public speaking and follow a dream. He has already purchased a new truck and fifth wheel camper to embark on this adventure. He will begin his travels and video postings in September while he, hopefully, retains paid speaking gigs. Of course, my first happenstance of this was a phone call from my friend, not him. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The plan or the divorce? In light of this announcement, naturally, I have pondered the last year of our marriage and thought, often, when he was away on his 3-4 day conferences and speaking seminars, what suggestions from others may have enhanced his possibilities and ideas of such? I know from conversations and arguments with him, I was to accept his dream, no matter where that left me...at home caring for the household and continuing with ...

During my 1/2 hour commute this last week, to and from work, I was distracted with many shards of memories passing through my mind. For some reason, they were saddened thoughts and feelings of negativity. The wondering of my own questionable actions, (I have a temper, but do not throw things or hit him, etc. I am very verbal)and questioning his failure to recognize what I needed and wondering how and where I turned into such an unhappy wife with a man I loved so much. (raise an eyebrow here.) Remember, neither of us committed adultery, neither of us had TOO serious acts of misconduct towards the other. Normal, marital challenges of discontent. Then I know folks who have survived far greater challenges; adultery, gambling or other addictive behaviors, loss of a family member or, lord help us, loss of a child. I do know more than one couple who suffered the loss of a child. One couple survived the horrendous grief, another did not. Neither my husband nor I had too many spending sprees, t...