Look Again

It is surprising to think, retrospectively, of daily actions and see how they've created a cycle of events. This happens constantly, and pretty soon, another day has ended. Your actions created reactions from others. Some reactions positive, some not. It likely depends on your approach to the situation, your mood, your words, your demeanor. Most adults know that. I need to improve upon this area when I am feeling "put upon" or "let down."  Professionally, I am good at maintaining dignity during those challenges. Personally...not so much. I tend to let the little things sit in my stomach like a rock, and over think them until they turn into a boulder. That weight gets heavy after a bit. Then, of course, I throw it out with force. (sigh here)

Stress is one of those mental elements that can infect your physical & emotional well being. Stress creates a wheel of thoughts and actions. Many of us know how it keeps our mind going around and around. Often, uncertainty is its path. I get plagued with it sometimes. Then, that rock inside starts growing. However, through my counseling, I am learning  NOT to over think things and allow that boulder to take shape.

My friend and I spent a couple of hours on the phone last night, just talking. We conversed of such an array of feelings, circumstances and happenings of late, that I could not list them all. I have found such an interesting perspective from him. This male point of view sheds a new light on many of my feelings and thoughts. He has a sensibility about him that I find down to earth and real. I know he feels the same of  my perspective on his situations. Neither of us cares for BS. We are direct with kindness. He had some enlightening viewpoints for me last night. In speaking of stress and how to handle problems, he simply said, "Things that happen every day are neutral events. Assigning it a negative or positive connotation is going to determine whether it is a problem or not." Good food for thought. One of the reasons this advice came up, is not just because of our sharing of information, but I shared a recurring dream I've been having. Not a nightly dream, but occasional. I only recall a very brief piece of it.
You may stop reading now or continue to read of my dream. (And yes...so sorry, the ex is involved.)

I am hanging on the edge of a cliff. The wall is flat and white, with veins of a reddish-brown color streaking the surface. My body is pressing against it. The abrasive rock wall is scratching my skin. I can feel the coolness of it and the air around me. There are small scrapes and speckles of blood on my arms.  I look up. I see such a sharp, blue, clear sky. Picturesque. I can barely see the tops of trees, which appear distant, but are part of the background. The ex is above me holding out his hand to me. He wants to pull me up. His blue-green eyes are focused on me. There is something in them that I cannot determine. Something glassy is shining in them. I look straight up at him, with a softness, a sadness, a clarity I cannot describe. I say, almost softly, "I will never trust you again."
I let go.

My friend said, softly, "Wow. Do you hit bottom?" I explained I do not. Nothing else happens. That few seconds of memory is it. "Hmmm", he said. "Now, I don't know anything of interpreting dreams, but what do you think it means?"
"I think he hurt me so badly, I would rather die than trust him again."
That is when he explained his viewpoint on assigning neutral events in our life, as either a negative or positive occurrence.
"I noticed you said,'he hurt me so badly'. You have chosen to assign your divorce a negative symbol. Maybe you should look at it differently." He then shared many details of the emotional brow beating he put himself through, after his divorce three years ago. He chose to leave his marriage of thirteen years. He described the hollow feeling he had and the time he had spent tyring and trying to work through their issues. He couldn't see prolonging the agony. At that point, I said,
"Maybe that is the way my ex felt. Maybe he thought he had tried. Maybe he felt hollow. I guess I always felt I was worth fighting for."
My friend said, "You are. Maybe something had already been triggered with the other gal. The grass is greener on the other side." We discussed that old adage in relation to each other's past.
Another dawning of reflection came out of me, "He is a good guy in a lot of ways. I know I am a good woman. We are two good people, just not good together...I used to say that. You are right about thinking more positively. I should remember the ex never loved anybody the way he loved me, or cared about anyone else to be in a relationship with for that long. He never loved any other woman enough to marry them. I should feel good about that."
"Absolutely", my friend agreed. Then we continued our conversation on many other topics. At the end of the phone call, we were chuckling at the level of comfort we have in sharing deep seeded thoughts. (smile here)

Stop dear friends. He and I have already discussed and laughed at the red flags I see surrounding him. He owns his own business and desires to be a well paid public speaker. (laugh here).
P.S. On that darn commute today, I had another reflection of my dream. Maybe I am finally letting go of my emotional connection to the ex. Maybe I am setting him free. I know I was not scared or angry when I let go and spoke that sentence to him. I certainly do not want to die.