Fragile as Glass: Piece Two
Tuesday morning, when I unplugged my cell phone from it's night of charging, my dear, guy friend had sent me a text the night before. It said, "Finally read the entire blog. Turn it into a book. Your writing style is amazing." I held my heart then texted him back, "Ha. Amazing may be an exaggerated term. But thanks. I can't believe you read the whole thing. Aw."
As part of my morning routine, I sit at my computer with a fresh cup of coffee and check my favorite on line sites and emails. He had emailed me a letter, too. Anxious to see what it was, I opened the attachment and saw a Word Document spring open before my eyes. It was titled, "Letter to Claire", (though he used my real name.)
He thoughtfully complimented my blog after reading the WHOLE thing. He said he was convinced that someday I will do an author signing. He appreciated, "thought provoking statements has allowed me to look deeper into your soul", even though we have had many, deep conversations. He referenced the posts about boulders in my gut and said he had some in his gut, as well. Not from anger or resentment, but because of heartbreak. "I am simply head over heels crazy about you," he stated. He continued to explain he knew he had broken the rules of our non relationship, and since my text of "weaning away from each other", he's had a hard time dealing with it. He even beat himself up with statements like, "not being good enough to sweep her off her feet", "What did I do wrong?", etc...I guess during the reading of my blog, some of my comments of not being emotionally connected weighed heavy on his heart. He felt defeated and not good enough. He wrote that many of my tormented feelings and pain were now parallel to what he has been experiencing since my notice of less involvement. His ego had suffered some blows. I emailed him a note that said I received his letter but did not have time to respond with the thoughtfulness and care he deserved. I would do that tonight.
Of course, my commute to work allowed me to digest this news. Work was busy, but eventually, I called him and offered to visit him and explain further. I was not gutless, (like you know who), and felt he deserved my face to face attention, as he was certainly worth that. He said he'd appreciate that. Arrangements were made to visit him when he finished teaching his evening class.
Upon my arrival home, I instantly went to my computer and wrote a letter of response. I shared my surprise at his heartbreak as I did not know he was more emotionally tied than I. I figured I would be the one left in the lurch...he's very cute and very nurturing. I was very vulnerable. I reminded him in my letter, that he has made me smile and beamed confidence in me when I had so little. I honestly wrote..."no man could have swept me off my feet these last several months, Derek." I told him I do have emotion for him when we are together, but my heart is still wrapped in tin foil, I still need to preserve it for a bit. That's why what we had was so grand. A connection without the emotional expectations.
I went to his home as arranged. We sat on the patio in a two-seater chair, amidst the warm, sultry air. It was almost dusk, and the last bit of the day's heat would be dissipating soon. It was quiet, relaxing. I could tell by the sheepish look in his eyes and the way he tilted his head downward, he was a bit embarrassed. Not what I wanted him to feel. So I explained my presence in wanting to be face to face, not sheepishly disappear into the sunset. He was genuinely glad I was there. I gave him my letter of response first, and he read it. I elaborated on some of the high points, and answered his questions, one by one. I think our emotions skimmed the surface, as I feel he held back a tear or two. I shed a few when I told him why I stated in the letter,"IT IS NOT YOU. IT IS ME." I explained, "even though that is a corny line from movies, I now get it. I completely understand why that line is used. I used to think it was a gutless way to get out of a relationship, but it's not. I so get it now! It is true right now."..."My x really fucked me up."
We shared a few past stories of how closing a door opens a window. (Another corny statement.) I shared with him, the year of 2001, when I had battled my first alcoholic x to share my youngest son with me, during MY legal visitation times. That story eventually came to a close 7 months later, and my son was placed with me, via police intervention. (sigh here...that is another batch of posts). My point was, when I finished my battle for my son, I came to sigh such relief, I became confident and renewed. After those three years of abstinence and complete focus on my kids, my windows of social opportunity then came. That's the year I met my next love. The man I divorced a year ago.
I know myself well enough to know, when I sigh relief from this past year, completely, I will be renewed and regain all of my confidence again. I reminded him, I am okay most of the time, but once in a while...
Almost two hours had passed since Derek and I had started our conversation. Now, the air was cool and the darkness was enveloping us. We could barely see each others' features. We ended our conversation agreeing to keep our non relationship intact. I left that to his discretion. I never wanted to cut him off at the knees, anyway. I just wanted us to use caution.
That is how the conversation ended. The night ended with us enveloping each others' physical being.
This still may be as fragile as glass, ready to break at anytime. Who will be left with the pieces?
As part of my morning routine, I sit at my computer with a fresh cup of coffee and check my favorite on line sites and emails. He had emailed me a letter, too. Anxious to see what it was, I opened the attachment and saw a Word Document spring open before my eyes. It was titled, "Letter to Claire", (though he used my real name.)
He thoughtfully complimented my blog after reading the WHOLE thing. He said he was convinced that someday I will do an author signing. He appreciated, "thought provoking statements has allowed me to look deeper into your soul", even though we have had many, deep conversations. He referenced the posts about boulders in my gut and said he had some in his gut, as well. Not from anger or resentment, but because of heartbreak. "I am simply head over heels crazy about you," he stated. He continued to explain he knew he had broken the rules of our non relationship, and since my text of "weaning away from each other", he's had a hard time dealing with it. He even beat himself up with statements like, "not being good enough to sweep her off her feet", "What did I do wrong?", etc...I guess during the reading of my blog, some of my comments of not being emotionally connected weighed heavy on his heart. He felt defeated and not good enough. He wrote that many of my tormented feelings and pain were now parallel to what he has been experiencing since my notice of less involvement. His ego had suffered some blows. I emailed him a note that said I received his letter but did not have time to respond with the thoughtfulness and care he deserved. I would do that tonight.
Of course, my commute to work allowed me to digest this news. Work was busy, but eventually, I called him and offered to visit him and explain further. I was not gutless, (like you know who), and felt he deserved my face to face attention, as he was certainly worth that. He said he'd appreciate that. Arrangements were made to visit him when he finished teaching his evening class.
Upon my arrival home, I instantly went to my computer and wrote a letter of response. I shared my surprise at his heartbreak as I did not know he was more emotionally tied than I. I figured I would be the one left in the lurch...he's very cute and very nurturing. I was very vulnerable. I reminded him in my letter, that he has made me smile and beamed confidence in me when I had so little. I honestly wrote..."no man could have swept me off my feet these last several months, Derek." I told him I do have emotion for him when we are together, but my heart is still wrapped in tin foil, I still need to preserve it for a bit. That's why what we had was so grand. A connection without the emotional expectations.
I went to his home as arranged. We sat on the patio in a two-seater chair, amidst the warm, sultry air. It was almost dusk, and the last bit of the day's heat would be dissipating soon. It was quiet, relaxing. I could tell by the sheepish look in his eyes and the way he tilted his head downward, he was a bit embarrassed. Not what I wanted him to feel. So I explained my presence in wanting to be face to face, not sheepishly disappear into the sunset. He was genuinely glad I was there. I gave him my letter of response first, and he read it. I elaborated on some of the high points, and answered his questions, one by one. I think our emotions skimmed the surface, as I feel he held back a tear or two. I shed a few when I told him why I stated in the letter,"IT IS NOT YOU. IT IS ME." I explained, "even though that is a corny line from movies, I now get it. I completely understand why that line is used. I used to think it was a gutless way to get out of a relationship, but it's not. I so get it now! It is true right now."..."My x really fucked me up."
We shared a few past stories of how closing a door opens a window. (Another corny statement.) I shared with him, the year of 2001, when I had battled my first alcoholic x to share my youngest son with me, during MY legal visitation times. That story eventually came to a close 7 months later, and my son was placed with me, via police intervention. (sigh here...that is another batch of posts). My point was, when I finished my battle for my son, I came to sigh such relief, I became confident and renewed. After those three years of abstinence and complete focus on my kids, my windows of social opportunity then came. That's the year I met my next love. The man I divorced a year ago.
I know myself well enough to know, when I sigh relief from this past year, completely, I will be renewed and regain all of my confidence again. I reminded him, I am okay most of the time, but once in a while...
Almost two hours had passed since Derek and I had started our conversation. Now, the air was cool and the darkness was enveloping us. We could barely see each others' features. We ended our conversation agreeing to keep our non relationship intact. I left that to his discretion. I never wanted to cut him off at the knees, anyway. I just wanted us to use caution.
That is how the conversation ended. The night ended with us enveloping each others' physical being.
This still may be as fragile as glass, ready to break at anytime. Who will be left with the pieces?
Comments
I'm glad you and your friend have decided to keep your relationship intact. We all need friends and he sounds like a gem.