Glass Cutter

  The month of February swept past, as though I was skating on a frozen lake, slippery with new ice. My surroundings changed, as if I had awoke one morning, and overnight, fall harshly turned to winter. It is the feeling of looking out your window one morning, and there is ice, snow, gray skies and stillness that befell the landscape, which hadn't been there the previous night. You are not surprised, as you knew autumn would turn to winter. Yet, there is that moment of catching your breath when you first see the drastic change in this view. The whiteness of the snow on the yard, in the trees, on the roofs and fences. How odd, really, loosing my mother, but not being totally surprised by her passing. I did catch my breath on several occasions during my journey home, to be with her, in the early morning of her passing.
  She just didn't...take another breath.
  I have an unusual acceptance of it, actually. It was as though her move to the Midwest a few months ago, was a step of protection for me. The first step onto a new surface of not having her near. It was like putting on a pair of mittens before you step onto the ice...protection for a fall. Feeling more prepared.
 Surrounded by my family was the blanket of comfort I needed. They felt this warmth too. For such a large family, it is amazing at the bond that exists between us, especially since geography plays a large role in our separation. We talked of serious topics, laughed during some conversations, and retold old family stories, quite often, rubbing mom's arm or forehead, or referring to her of a memory she shared with one of her kids, as we sat beside her the night before her passing, in the hospital room. I am feeling pleased with the fact that I had taken the tape recorder Derek gave to me, and often, set it in the center of her bed while we all relayed these memories. Eventually, I uploaded the recording with my brother who then linked the recordings to a site, and now, the family can hook into it if they care to take a listen. (smile here). I still need to have Derek help me finish loading the remaining recordings, as I was in the Midwest for a few nights longer than my brother.
 I am the Executor of her estate and have found the task not as daunting as I had anticipated. My mother did a good job having most things in order. There will be little money to dispense down the road, but the income from the sale of her house will be shared by eight. None of us cared or counted on anything financial. We have decided, what is left to share, should be considered a gift, a bonus, and certainly not a life changing event. I love my family.
 Work has been more draining. I have no more help than in the past, but am faced with new clients and not new caregivers, as the state has put restrictions on potential employees, which is limiting. The applicants have to have a certification in nursing, even though we do not perform those tasks for our clients. Go figure.
 Hawaii was wonderful, more beautiful and relaxing than I could have imagined. I was stunned by the gorgeous vegetation and the depth and beauty of the water, and the colorful and relaxing sunsets. I jokingly told my son I wanted to move there. He said, "Do it mom. Nothing is keeping you here. Go for it!" Temptation tickles the back of my brain every day that I go to work and drudge through paperwork, listen to complaints or have more demands forced onto my time. I could be a guest coordinator at a lavish hotel down there. I could perform HR duties with staffing or be an Executive Assistant. The mind is filling with ideas.
 The trip to the big Island inspired me to paint again. I have only doodled and painted a picture for Derek, as he just finished revamping and painting his living room. I liked it. It is of planks of boards in grays and blues with a bit of moss growing up the side, and sunlight reflecting over the top of the boards, yet below, the shadows darken the end of the painting. Your imagination dictates whether it is boards on a dock, a side of a building, etc...then I painted in small letters across the bottom, at a slanted angle..."Don't Get Bored". It replicates someone carving those words with a knife into the wood. You see, Derek has a tendency to allow boredom turn to depression. We both got a kick out of the painting. Yes, he and I are fast friends, still. No, I see no romantic inclinations from either of us. Just good friends.
 Reality this last month has been like a glass cutter, reminding me that I have lived 50 years, half of my life, at least. It has sharpened my days into a mundane existence and has pointed me into the next phase of my life. I will not be with this job much longer. I may not even be in Washington, much longer. I will be strong and daring for the remaining years. I will sharpen my senses and find something more financially sound than what I have now. A career change is imminent and I have to take a new shape.