Looking Glass

Wednesday. The day is done. An eight year relationship is legally finished. (sigh here). He is now my ex husband, which will be easier to write than the soon to be, ex husband. (smile here.) I am sure this title will change in time, as the hurt fades and the love lightens...to the ex. Hec, I may just starting typing the X to simplify my writing. The night before my hearing, I visited my friend and we discussed my attire for the upcoming day. Given the fact that I have dropped some weight, regained my sanity, health and am getting my emotions on track, she strongly suggested my jeans and a nice top despite my suggestion of a skirt. She said, "No, you look so good in your jeans." The morning of the hearing, after I showered and applied lotion to my slightly, tanned skin, I put on my jeans, a black belt, a pretty white blouse and curled my hair to the hilt. My makeup was applied with more finesse than normal and I donned a new necklace and earrings. Then came the black, spiked...

Tomorrow is the day...my soon to be, ex husband, will become my ex husband. The actual hearing should be short. We only have one commonwealth loan together. It was for a gas fireplace insert included in the remodeling accomplished on the home, of which I owned for 29 years and he co-owned for 7 months. The refinancing last fall paid for the remodeling other than the insert. $2800.00. When I moved away, we had verbally agreed I would pay $50 per month, half of the monthly loan payment. I paid April, May, June but have not paid July's as I want to see if the judge, or he, holds me to that. If the judge, or he, questions me on that, I'll state that last summer, we spent $2500.00 on a couple of fillings and whitening dental visits for him. It should be a wash. Half of my money paid for those and he insisted we pay that off prior to my first dental visit in 10 years. I went three times this year with good insurance coverage. He had none. Now I see why that happened too. He wanted t...

Within an earlier post, I told you I had received suggestions from some of my dearest, held to my heart friends, on how to react to this public notification of my soon to be, ex husband's announcement of his new career path. One said, with her finger pointing at me, (smile here), "don't you do a thing." Another said, "wait and see what happens." My son said, "Mom, you have always told me to take the high road. Take the high road and call him, or invite him for coffee or something, and be genuine and wish him well." He than shared with me, after some relationships had gone south and ended badly for him, a year later, he called the gals and left them a message (as they did not pick up their phones), with genuine well wishes and an apology for things ending badly. He stated, "It made me feel better", though that was not his first intent. He reminded me, this may not be the time, but someday, I should do it for myself, not the soon to be, ex ...

As of yesterday, my soon to be, ex husband, announced on national internet sites, his resignation from his executive position in order to travel the states. This is to embrace his newest career of public speaking and follow a dream. He has already purchased a new truck and fifth wheel camper to embark on this adventure. He will begin his travels and video postings in September while he, hopefully, retains paid speaking gigs. Of course, my first happenstance of this was a phone call from my friend, not him. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The plan or the divorce? In light of this announcement, naturally, I have pondered the last year of our marriage and thought, often, when he was away on his 3-4 day conferences and speaking seminars, what suggestions from others may have enhanced his possibilities and ideas of such? I know from conversations and arguments with him, I was to accept his dream, no matter where that left me...at home caring for the household and continuing with ...

I attended a Toastmaster's meeting tonight in my new town. I attended as a guest two times prior, and had decided to become a member. There are noted, award winning speakers in this group, and I specifically joined to learn from top notch people. The atmosphere is lighthearted, yet, intent on helping each other attain confidence in speaking to others and groups, with gentle criticism. I am excited to embrace a new circle of friends and become a welcomed part of something. My own endeavor. Nurture myself at this troubled time. Not waiting for someone else to care about me. To care about myself as I am a good woman. I am, a natural born nurturer and I nurtured my husbands enough when they needed it, (or so I thought). Yet, they shorted me of this technique when I needed it. I have enjoyed my drives around this capitol city and have even been in awe at how nice the neighborhoods are situated among natural vegetation and tree lined streets. There are lovely parks within walking distan...

Despite some of my hesitation on attending my family reunion last week, I did go for a couple of days as finances shorted me from going the whole week. It was very, very nice and I am glad I attended. A few times questions came up about the divorce, out of genuine concern. I handled it fine and swayed conversation away from the topic. On occasion I stated, "we are two good people just not good together," and "he likes the boat floating his way and I stand up in the middle and call bullshit." I shared a bit more with one sister while sitting late into the evening listening to the ocean waves at Long Beach. She's been divorced for years. I watched and listened to others' challenges with marital situations, and often thought, my marriage is splitting for such less reasons, and here are many couples enduring greater challenges than mine, and working together to resolve them. It made me realize that my soon to be, ex husband is much weaker, and if he bails on su...

I looked up the word fusion as I have had such a scattering of thoughts the last couple of days and was thinking I could fuse them together and make sense of my feelings. Fusion is the act of processing; fusing, the state of being fused. There are political meanings, opthamology, musical, linguistic and nuclear meanings. In short, they all mean, in one facet or another, blend together. Yesterday and today I had some insight onto my inner feelings. Yesterday, I met with my counselor and we discussed multiple things. One of them being my questioning the current situation and doubting myself. She affectionately reminds me, but does not applaud me, though I handled my anger and frustration in adult, temper tantrum manners, this was an effect of a cause. The cause, my, soon to be, ex husband, was not meeting my needs and she agrees he is self centered. It may not be his fault either. I think we both wanted to be happy in our marriage, but from our own past experiences, we did not have the ...