Repairing the Cracks

As I sit at my desk this evening, with a stomach full from a delicious Thanksgiving meal, I am in a reflective mood, looking back at the last couple of weeks, and relaxing with today's thoughts fresh in my mind.
My youngest son, who still resides in the little town I moved from, could not join our gathering today, as he is iced in at his house...an aftermath of the sudden snow storm which befell our area two days ago. He did have a family friend, who lives within walking distance, extend a Thanksgiving invitation to him. He was undecided when we spoke, if he was going to accept. I hope he joins them, it would be his first holiday without family or friends if he declined. I spoke to my daughter in Houston at length this morning, and bless her heart, she has little sadness about being alone over there, as she was digging out her Christmas decorations to "deck her halls", knowing she'll be here for Christmas vacation. She reminded me that last year was the first year in her four, of being a Texan, that she was home at Thanksgiving. Her own, personal tradition...to make a nice meal for herself, open some wine, and enjoy the fruits of her decorating labors. A girlfriend or two may pop in at some point. My eldest son drove from his home with his girlfriend, took her to her family gathering, picked me up, picked up one of my good friends who would have eaten a tuna sandwich otherwise, and joined my mother and brother at mom's house for the day. After the meal, with tradition ringing true, we played a board game for a couple of hours. It was a nice day.
A special part of my time was visiting with my son on the half hour drive to and from my mothers. I enjoy his sensible outlook on life, enjoy the pleasure he extends to me for removing myself from that little ole town, joining a Toastmaster's that has lit enthusiasm in me and helped me embrace new people. He is content in his new job and happy he and his girlfriend have survived some relationship bumps. He is looking forward. I am thankful for my kids.
I remember last weekend being a busy one. On Friday night, I met my Toastmaster friend for a drink again, and again, we talked for hours. I think he is a good guy, and is now a good friend. I still hold to my "not messing with the group karma." (smile here).
Last Saturday, one of my Toastmaster friends hosted a girls' dinner party. How absolutely lovely! There were eight of us present, we all participated with bringing food and wine, and had a pure, enjoyable time. I was amazed at how most of us have been married twice and are currently single, or one gal is on her third marriage. Wow. I was stunned to learn this fact. This will be a future topic of a post I feel. I am somewhat saddened to learn that multiple marriage situations are commonplace. Each time I married, I thought it was forever. Maybe I should not feel like such a failure. Is marriage a dissolving pillar of society? Should humans be in a lifelong, monogamous relationship and expect happiness from it? (raise an eyebrow here).
I also had a very deep, emotional session with my counselor recently. We used a technique for me to search, very deeply, and describe in words what my pain looked like, what my heart and brain looked like, and how I could coexist or remove these parts if needed. I cried. I don't remember crying with anyone since the day of my divorce. I have cried on my own accord, in my own space, but not with someone else present. In retrospect, I am angry that the x did not talk to me about his plans of traveling before he made a public announcement, I am mad that he could not be man enough to have a meal with me and look me in the eye and tell me of his new relationship. I am mad that he slithered from the community on the false, pretense of following his dream, when he actually went to an RV park and camped out near "her" two months prior to his first gig, and only 3 weeks after our divorce. I feel he duped me and everyone, and I deserved more respect than that. I now know, in looking back and seeing time lines, he did not want to have a good-bye meal with me as he had something started with her already and couldn't look me in the eye. I deal with life's circumstances much better with forewarning, when possible, and he knows that about me.
I have, in chatting during on line conversations, that the x is not the stellar guy he portrayed, and some people, who had sour business dealings with him, know that. I did not. One said, "there are bold assholes, and bold nice people, guess which category he fits into."
I think knowing that not everyone thinks him a stellar person, is helpful in repairing my cracks and allows me to shrink that small space that hurts.