Pings, Chips, Cracks
I have thought long and hard while driving to work each morning and evening. I have found this time to be dangerous. Not due to traffic jams, accidents or road conditions. But, that is when I think the most... in silence, or with a bit of background music playing from the radio. That is when I recognize my thoughts flying through my mind, equal to the speed of the vehicle. That is when I feel time pulling at my gut. That is when I notice facts, figures, faces, failures, accomplishments and such. That is when I notice my mental calendar developing with items to do or things I forgot, places to be and people to see. My calendar of future endeavors, and past circumstances. Sometimes it seems so full, I sigh. Sometimes a smile crosses my face when looking ahead or thinking of a happy moment. Sometimes a ping of pain furrows my brow.
Not all of my thoughts are fluid. Some are quite chipped, and only fragments of past times, or pieces of ideas that have not fused together, seem to poke at me. They seem to lead from one to another, often without rhythm or cohesiveness. Often without sense or practicality. They just pass through my mind as quickly as the scenery passes my line of vision. That is okay.
I have come to acknowledge many emotions during drives. I recall, during my drives to visit my daughter across the state, having 5 hours to ponder, I was always relaxed and enjoyed the journey. I had many a great thought on those drives. I often wished I had a tape recorder to capture those thoughts, rather than let them slip away. I always wanted to record stories for my kids of their childhood and of mine. I would recite stories, or snippets of such, that their grandma shared with me, relating to her upbringing, 94 years ago. (sigh here). I remember a movie where the mother did that, and also, verbalized her wishes for their future. Unfortunately, I did not buy a tape recorder. I should do it now as I have formulated many of my writings during commuting. But, when destination is reached, I forget many of my ideas and cannot recall them at will. I shall envision buying a recorder, of some sort, on my mental calendar. (smile here).
My drive home this evening was deeper than need be. I started thinking about TRUST. A five letter word with so much clout. I think it is a worldwide, known word. A handshake at a business deal, a "pinky" swear among children, a whisper of information not intended to be leaked, a conversation with a best friend, a boss trusting you to do your job properly. These are such simple examples of trust that happen daily. Yet, individuals have their own level of trust and discretion that are not equal to their neighbors. These different levels of trust leave so much room for error, from one person to the next. Who is right and who is wrong?
I have been thinking of this lately. I am sure it is because my trust in the x was so cracked. Actually, many people would think he breached no trust at all. "Things just didn't work out", is a common statement I've heard. His relationship with the new gal could have started after the divorce. Then, no trust was broken. But doubts create questions. I have listened to people who tell a story one time, and the next, some facts change or are left out. Does this make the person non trustworthy? Depends on my level of trust. I know I have accidentally "spilled the beans", and regretted it later. To err is human, right? Then, the other person uses their discretion to decide my value of trust. If the x happened across this blog, he may feel trust was broken in divulging bits of information about him and my feelings. But, it is my blog, right? I have not written his name, other than a few weeks ago for my blog friends to view his public sites. Then, I deleted the information within 48 hours so the whole world would not know my referencing.
I have also been thinking of trust within the realm of my job and the loss of a co worker. I am entrusted to carry on and try to do so in a smooth fashion. I fear that will not be simple. I have to TRUST myself and know I will work as hard as needed to continue the office operations. I do trust myself. I am a strong person. I am a good person. I am blessed with imperfection, as we all are.
Not all of my thoughts are fluid. Some are quite chipped, and only fragments of past times, or pieces of ideas that have not fused together, seem to poke at me. They seem to lead from one to another, often without rhythm or cohesiveness. Often without sense or practicality. They just pass through my mind as quickly as the scenery passes my line of vision. That is okay.
I have come to acknowledge many emotions during drives. I recall, during my drives to visit my daughter across the state, having 5 hours to ponder, I was always relaxed and enjoyed the journey. I had many a great thought on those drives. I often wished I had a tape recorder to capture those thoughts, rather than let them slip away. I always wanted to record stories for my kids of their childhood and of mine. I would recite stories, or snippets of such, that their grandma shared with me, relating to her upbringing, 94 years ago. (sigh here). I remember a movie where the mother did that, and also, verbalized her wishes for their future. Unfortunately, I did not buy a tape recorder. I should do it now as I have formulated many of my writings during commuting. But, when destination is reached, I forget many of my ideas and cannot recall them at will. I shall envision buying a recorder, of some sort, on my mental calendar. (smile here).
My drive home this evening was deeper than need be. I started thinking about TRUST. A five letter word with so much clout. I think it is a worldwide, known word. A handshake at a business deal, a "pinky" swear among children, a whisper of information not intended to be leaked, a conversation with a best friend, a boss trusting you to do your job properly. These are such simple examples of trust that happen daily. Yet, individuals have their own level of trust and discretion that are not equal to their neighbors. These different levels of trust leave so much room for error, from one person to the next. Who is right and who is wrong?
I have been thinking of this lately. I am sure it is because my trust in the x was so cracked. Actually, many people would think he breached no trust at all. "Things just didn't work out", is a common statement I've heard. His relationship with the new gal could have started after the divorce. Then, no trust was broken. But doubts create questions. I have listened to people who tell a story one time, and the next, some facts change or are left out. Does this make the person non trustworthy? Depends on my level of trust. I know I have accidentally "spilled the beans", and regretted it later. To err is human, right? Then, the other person uses their discretion to decide my value of trust. If the x happened across this blog, he may feel trust was broken in divulging bits of information about him and my feelings. But, it is my blog, right? I have not written his name, other than a few weeks ago for my blog friends to view his public sites. Then, I deleted the information within 48 hours so the whole world would not know my referencing.
I have also been thinking of trust within the realm of my job and the loss of a co worker. I am entrusted to carry on and try to do so in a smooth fashion. I fear that will not be simple. I have to TRUST myself and know I will work as hard as needed to continue the office operations. I do trust myself. I am a strong person. I am a good person. I am blessed with imperfection, as we all are.
Comments
But blogging friends stick together and I personally trust all of you more than I would a lot of people. And I thank you for trusting enough to release your thoughts to us.