Cautiously Optomistic
Cautiously optimistic is the phrase my daughter has used often of late. Her term is revolving around a pending meeting with her father, of whom she hasn't seen for about 15 years. She was a 14 year old sophomore the last time she saw him, my eldest was 15 1/2 and on the verge of learning to drive. My youngest son was in 8th grade at this time of the separation and divorce from my alcoholic husband. For whatever reason, since he couldn't have control of us anymore, he disappeared from our lives, his family's lives and the community, to pursue a life of hidden, who knows what.
Over the past few years, when my daughter Googled him, all that seemed to turn up was a rap sheet of him being jailed for "Possession of Illegal Drugs". She spent more time the year prior to her wedding searching for him as this was another milestone in her life he was going to miss, and she wanted to at least tell him so. She has gone through many emotions, as they all have, during this avenue of not having an involved father in their life. I have seen her in a proud stance voicing the fact she'd love to tell him, "Look at me...look at what I've done without you. I graduated from high school as a Distinguished Scholar, I put myself through college, I have a great job that I pursued in Houston and I got married to a wonderful man who is going to be a heart surgeon someday...and I did it all without you." I have also seen her in a submissive mood regretting his non participatory ways and concerned about his well being. The three kids have had bewilderment of his choices and the way he treated each of them during the divorce. Especially the way he ended his relationship with each one of them in such different, mean, hurtful, volatile ways. (frown here...those are stories for future posts.)
This pending meeting came about right on the new year of 2015. Someone named Gretchen emailed my youngest son, Jason. She explained in the email how she has been volunteering with his father for two years and has gotten to know him. During many conversations, he has expressed to her how he misses his kids and how he has even shed tears while talking about them. The fact that she is married with two kids of her own is what compelled her to reach out to Jason and give him his father's phone number. She stated she would hope the kids could reach out to him in an effort to connect. Of course, Jason called his brother Brian and his sister Shauna with the news. Shauna did not waste much time and called him. Her ending with her father was not as dramatic as her brothers' as she never opted to live with him as her brothers did, even for short periods of time. She did not see his atrocious life style first hand.
She explained to me that her first phone call with him shed light on the fact that he was very nervous. She did her best to just talk of normal happenings of her life and not apply pressure on him. She has talked to him several times now and they agreed to have a face to face meeting this upcoming weekend. Her father and she arranged a meeting between the four of them in the old family cabin in Belfair...that ole small town of whence I came.
The kids have decided to make this a cordial first meeting without asking a lot of questions or sharing deep rooted angst. The boys' primary reasoning is to do this for Shauna. They are mirroring her cautiously optimistic feelings and are willing to put the past in the past and move forward if possible. She and her new husband will be flying in from Houston late Friday night. The meet and greet with their dad is Saturday.
During the last several weeks, my kids have phone called each other more than normal and placed phone calls to me ensuring that I am ok with this situation. They are reassuring that they know who was there for them and have expressed how respected I am, how much they love me and expect nothing of me. They understand my side of the story despite my coming to terms with his actions years ago. Their regard for me is heart warming, even though I always knew of its existence. My input when asked about this meeting?
"I want you guys to have inner peace. Whatever that takes. I know you all have a lot of questions and mixed emotions about not having him be an active part of your life. Your inner peace is what matters to me."
Over the past few years, when my daughter Googled him, all that seemed to turn up was a rap sheet of him being jailed for "Possession of Illegal Drugs". She spent more time the year prior to her wedding searching for him as this was another milestone in her life he was going to miss, and she wanted to at least tell him so. She has gone through many emotions, as they all have, during this avenue of not having an involved father in their life. I have seen her in a proud stance voicing the fact she'd love to tell him, "Look at me...look at what I've done without you. I graduated from high school as a Distinguished Scholar, I put myself through college, I have a great job that I pursued in Houston and I got married to a wonderful man who is going to be a heart surgeon someday...and I did it all without you." I have also seen her in a submissive mood regretting his non participatory ways and concerned about his well being. The three kids have had bewilderment of his choices and the way he treated each of them during the divorce. Especially the way he ended his relationship with each one of them in such different, mean, hurtful, volatile ways. (frown here...those are stories for future posts.)
This pending meeting came about right on the new year of 2015. Someone named Gretchen emailed my youngest son, Jason. She explained in the email how she has been volunteering with his father for two years and has gotten to know him. During many conversations, he has expressed to her how he misses his kids and how he has even shed tears while talking about them. The fact that she is married with two kids of her own is what compelled her to reach out to Jason and give him his father's phone number. She stated she would hope the kids could reach out to him in an effort to connect. Of course, Jason called his brother Brian and his sister Shauna with the news. Shauna did not waste much time and called him. Her ending with her father was not as dramatic as her brothers' as she never opted to live with him as her brothers did, even for short periods of time. She did not see his atrocious life style first hand.
She explained to me that her first phone call with him shed light on the fact that he was very nervous. She did her best to just talk of normal happenings of her life and not apply pressure on him. She has talked to him several times now and they agreed to have a face to face meeting this upcoming weekend. Her father and she arranged a meeting between the four of them in the old family cabin in Belfair...that ole small town of whence I came.
The kids have decided to make this a cordial first meeting without asking a lot of questions or sharing deep rooted angst. The boys' primary reasoning is to do this for Shauna. They are mirroring her cautiously optimistic feelings and are willing to put the past in the past and move forward if possible. She and her new husband will be flying in from Houston late Friday night. The meet and greet with their dad is Saturday.
During the last several weeks, my kids have phone called each other more than normal and placed phone calls to me ensuring that I am ok with this situation. They are reassuring that they know who was there for them and have expressed how respected I am, how much they love me and expect nothing of me. They understand my side of the story despite my coming to terms with his actions years ago. Their regard for me is heart warming, even though I always knew of its existence. My input when asked about this meeting?
"I want you guys to have inner peace. Whatever that takes. I know you all have a lot of questions and mixed emotions about not having him be an active part of your life. Your inner peace is what matters to me."
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