Looking Glass

As of yesterday, my soon to be, ex husband, announced on national internet sites, his resignation from his executive position in order to travel the states. This is to embrace his newest career of public speaking and follow a dream. He has already purchased a new truck and fifth wheel camper to embark on this adventure. He will begin his travels and video postings in September while he, hopefully, retains paid speaking gigs. Of course, my first happenstance of this was a phone call from my friend, not him. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The plan or the divorce? In light of this announcement, naturally, I have pondered the last year of our marriage and thought, often, when he was away on his 3-4 day conferences and speaking seminars, what suggestions from others may have enhanced his possibilities and ideas of such? I know from conversations and arguments with him, I was to accept his dream, no matter where that left me...at home caring for the household and continuing with ...

I attended a Toastmaster's meeting tonight in my new town. I attended as a guest two times prior, and had decided to become a member. There are noted, award winning speakers in this group, and I specifically joined to learn from top notch people. The atmosphere is lighthearted, yet, intent on helping each other attain confidence in speaking to others and groups, with gentle criticism. I am excited to embrace a new circle of friends and become a welcomed part of something. My own endeavor. Nurture myself at this troubled time. Not waiting for someone else to care about me. To care about myself as I am a good woman. I am, a natural born nurturer and I nurtured my husbands enough when they needed it, (or so I thought). Yet, they shorted me of this technique when I needed it. I have enjoyed my drives around this capitol city and have even been in awe at how nice the neighborhoods are situated among natural vegetation and tree lined streets. There are lovely parks within walking distan...

Despite some of my hesitation on attending my family reunion last week, I did go for a couple of days as finances shorted me from going the whole week. It was very, very nice and I am glad I attended. A few times questions came up about the divorce, out of genuine concern. I handled it fine and swayed conversation away from the topic. On occasion I stated, "we are two good people just not good together," and "he likes the boat floating his way and I stand up in the middle and call bullshit." I shared a bit more with one sister while sitting late into the evening listening to the ocean waves at Long Beach. She's been divorced for years. I watched and listened to others' challenges with marital situations, and often thought, my marriage is splitting for such less reasons, and here are many couples enduring greater challenges than mine, and working together to resolve them. It made me realize that my soon to be, ex husband is much weaker, and if he bails on su...

I looked up the word fusion as I have had such a scattering of thoughts the last couple of days and was thinking I could fuse them together and make sense of my feelings. Fusion is the act of processing; fusing, the state of being fused. There are political meanings, opthamology, musical, linguistic and nuclear meanings. In short, they all mean, in one facet or another, blend together. Yesterday and today I had some insight onto my inner feelings. Yesterday, I met with my counselor and we discussed multiple things. One of them being my questioning the current situation and doubting myself. She affectionately reminds me, but does not applaud me, though I handled my anger and frustration in adult, temper tantrum manners, this was an effect of a cause. The cause, my, soon to be, ex husband, was not meeting my needs and she agrees he is self centered. It may not be his fault either. I think we both wanted to be happy in our marriage, but from our own past experiences, we did not have the ...

This is the week of my family reunion. I had approved, vacation, time off to attend this event...long before my pending divorce was in place. Now, I am uncertain and unenthusiastic about the whole ordeal. Remember, I have not shared my current situation with more than 4 or 5 people of my family. I know families embrace each other and all, but it is hard for me to try and explain this situation. The questions.."what happened?" "what went wrong?" 'we thought you two were so happy.?" Can I simply answer by saying, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know?" Suddenly I was frustrated, always. Suddenly I was "put upon", always. Suddenly I saw that my husband was out for himself, not us, always. Suddenly, I found myself disappointed, always. Suddenly, my frustration turned into anger...way too often. Suddenly, I was unhappy. How do you share this circumstance with your family, when, at the reunion of 2007, the soon to be, ex husb...

Yesterday I held a housewarming party at my new home. For the first hour, my guests met at my townhouse, and then we walked to the complex clubhouse which I had reserved in advance. I did this as it has a huge, furnished living room, well set up kitchen and more room for everyone. Plus, my 93 year old mother could not have walked the 14 stairs to my second floor town house. My dear friend of twenty three years spent Friday night with me and helped tremendously with the party preparations and success. She is my (saddened) friend I recently posted of, and she told me these functions were just what she needs to escape her solitude and give her something new to do. I invited many people. Thirteen to fourteen guests showed up. I was, quite frankly, a bit sad (at first), as some who assured their attendance did not show up. A few people who were unsure of their schedule, attended. What heart warming thoughts filled me as the guests smiled, complimented me and my new location and were here ...

Tonight I attended my final board meeting as official secretary, of the little community center, in the little town I just moved out of. I handed over the binders to the incoming secretary, gave her a few tips and welcomed her to call me if she had questions. Two board members awaited for me outside. Hugs, well wishes and a bit of moisture accrued on my eyes. Not a tear mind you. (smile here) My friend tapped my nose ever so softly as I said, "this is just kind of weird, after being here so long." She commented, "you are just starting a new chapter." Is that what this is? I suppose it is. But what if I wasn't quite ready to write a new chapter? What if this is not what the next chapter should be entitled? What if I want to go back a few pages and white out the last chapter and re-title it; "Those in Love Stay in Love"? or "Those in Love Shall be Happy"? Reality set in on my hour, drive home. Renaming the chapter the way I want is not life. ...